Robert Pollard: Yeah I know, man. But y'know, baseball..."baseball has been 'bery 'bery good to me"...(laughter) It actually was. Some of my best memories are of my childhood, playing baseball, 'cause I was a pitcher. And you know, in baseball the pitcher always has all the fun. (CM explains "positions vs. instruments" theory)

RP: So the singer's the pitcher?

CM: Yeah, like Johnny Rotten, or even Mick Jagger.

RP: Well I did have a live arm. In college I had a 95 mph fastball.

CM: (incredulously) Oh c'mon! 95 mph? Oh, cut it out.

RP: Really, I could throw a football 70 yards. A baseball 95 miles an hour. Honestly, my dad thought I had a golden arm. He used to milk it down every night like (in crusty old Burgess Meredith voice) "You got the golden arm..." (much laughs all around) That's why he was so disappointed when I went into rock. He was like "Ya' bleeeww it!...Ya' had a golden arm, but YA' BLEW IT!!!"

(big laughter action)

CM: ...But did you have a breaking ball?

RP: Seriously, I did throw 95 miles an hour in my senior year in high school, and in my summer of Legion ball I popped a tendon in my elbow, but I still continued to pitch in college, for Wright State in Dayton. I threw a no-hitter at Wright State. I never threw as hard, I bet I threw only 85-88. I used to warm up before games--my brother used to catch me, he's five years younger than me--and I warmed up with a croquet ball.

CM: (laughs) That's a mean thing to do to a little brother!

RP: It could have killed him. I'd throw the ball as hard as I could. As hard as I could with a croquet ball. It would go (makes cracking explosion sound)! And then when I got down to pitch, the ball would feel like a wiffle ball.

CM: Why didn't you just get a pitch-back for chrissakes?

RP: The croquet ball is the shit--here's the thing--do you know the crow-hop (a step used in the correct fielding of a hit ball)?

John Petkovic: You know, I'm not a baseball guy, but (Bob) he's turning me on to it--

CM: You mean the pivot?

RP: The infield crow-hop is like this (demonstrates fielding a grounder)--

JP: You say Bob, you used to pitch, right? I used to pitch in Little League. I used to pitch in junior high school too.

RP: We're proud of you!

JP: You know what I used to do, in junior high I used to hit people with the ball. Intimidation. That's like rock music.

CM: But it's gotta be the very first batter.

JP: Just nail the asshole who got the hit off you the last time.

CM: But then they're expecting that too.

JP: I threw a twelve-inning no-hitter in Little League. Longest no-hitter ever in my Little League.

RP: (laughing) Look at him! Talking fucking Little League stories! We used to take a--

JP: Hey, I will fucking match your fastball with my fastball. I swear to god, right now I'd match your fastball with my fastball.

(various): Yeah! Do it!...

RP: Get something and we'll throw it right now.

RP: (tape cuts in) We'd take the leather coating off of a hardball, and put a sponge in it...it's a great game played by great men.

CM: Arrrgghh, matey. The finest men of our generation...

JP: Are you (Kevin) a 'Tribe fan?

CM: Big.

JP: You know, they didn't have any pitching this year, at all.

CM: Assenmacher had a shitty year. No one expected that. He's one of those guys you don't expect to be the ace, but that you rely on.

JP: Do you wanna hear a good headline? The Akron Beacon Journal did this headline when Chad Ogea beat the White Sox, the headline was: "Ogea Bloodies Sox." (mucho laughs)
The Indians have been so inconsistent. Jaret Wright had a good series. I was telling my friends to were saying "Jaret Wright's gonna be a superstar..." "Yeah, he's gonna win two games, and lose two." That's what it means to be a superstar in Cleveland.

CM: Still, he helped get 'em there.

JP: What about that Marquis Grissom? All year he was nothing but a bum. And now he's batting .700 in the World Series...And you know, the funny thing with Albert Belle, Cleveland has an inferiority complex. The fans supported him when he was accused of corking the bat. All the fans were thinking he was gonna stay in Cleveland if they supported him, though everyone else hated him. The thing was, the Indians--

RP: --I can't believe you said you could throw a ball--

JP: (laughs all around) I'll fuckin' throw a ball faster than you will! I swear to god I will! Just gimme a couple of pitches--on my third pitch. Okay, okay...you think you're some big, kick-ass ballplayer. I didn't play in high school, but I did play junior high and Little League.

RP: When I used to warm up for a game, when I was in Little League, I pitched against a bus stop. I'd find a brick on the wall, I'd hit it every fucking time--

JP: Yeah I did the same thing in the basement! I swear to god I'd throw...a thousand pitches every night in my basement, as a kid growing up. I had a little thing where I'd outlined a brick, and I hit it every time.

CM: So what happened?

JP: I got into rock music and stuff. There's no time. Rock music ruined me. Hey Rob, check this out. I never told you this. I had this friend who was a catcher, we grew up together in the same neighborhood. We used to pitch and catch constantly. Like all day, all the time. And we'd fuckin' nail every asshole that got a hit off us. No one got a hit off 'ya, but if they did, they'd get fuckin' nailed every time they came up after that.

RP: Anyway, the story I was gonna tell 'ya, was when I used to throw the ball off the bus stop, off the wall, the bricks. This fat kid named Moe came up to us after he'd just ate. He goes "Can I hit off you?" And I'm "Okay, man, go ahead." And deviously I threw the ball as hard as I could, right in the stomach. He started puking.

(JP goes on wild tangent espousing pitching philosophy)

That's the reason I told you I didn't like baseball, it's 'cause people like him can play it. (laughter)

JP: You know if we had a duel, a duel right now, I'd be ducking while you're getting a black eye. (hoots)

Matt Sweeney: Stinging like a butterfly, floating like a bee...

JP: If you put together a team of former Indians, they'd be better than the now Indians.

CM: An outfield of Joe Carter, Brett Butler...Joel Skinner...

JP: Get out.

CM: Tony Pena? Herbert Perry?

JP: Hey, Pena can still hit.

RP: So here, the Indians are getting ready to win the 'Series, and it's always been the Reds. The Indians have always sucked.

JP: When have the Reds been good?

RP: Awww, shit--(laughter)

JP: Naw, the Reds, that was one of the all-time greatest teams. What, with Foster--wait, wait, one second,first base, Perez at first, Morgan at second, Concepcion, Pete Rose, Johnny Bench...uh, Geronimo, Griffey, and...that fuckin' outfielder...

(someone in background): Charles Grodin!

JP: Foster! George Foster.

CM: He had the rad 'burns.

RP: Well how about Lee May?

(runs into a mass of "do you remember"s)

JP: How about Andy Etchebarren, the man with the biggest eyebrows? He played for Baltimore, he was goood. What about John Lowenstein, who was traded from Cleveland--he batted .242 three years in a row. Is that unbelieveable or what?

RP: I played for Ron Nischwitz at Wright State University in Dayton. He played for the Detroit Tigers. He had the biggest dick in the major leagues.

(hooting and hollering)

(interruption by some kind soul buying the next round)

JP: Hey, name me the four guys on the Baltimore Orioles that won 20 games.

CM: Cuellar, Palmer, McNally, and...Dobson. I win.

JP: You win.

CM: ...and Buzz Aldrin! Second man on the moon.

RP: That's what we name our band, "Cuellar."

JP: Wasn't that a fuckin' amazing pitching staff?

RP: But who was the man back then?

CM: Earl Weaver?

RP: That guy on the Tigers, Mickey Lolich.

JP: Him and Fidrych. What do you think of Fidrych? I have an autographed picture of Fidrych--

RP: You are Fidrych. Look at you. Talk about flashes in the pan...

--------------------------------------------------------

RP: I've been around the world, and Cleveland are the biggest assholes in the world. It's the asshole of the universe.

CM: And you say that because...

RP: It's got something to do with the fact that I was a Cincinnati fan, and that was the big rivalry. But I've met some people from Cleveland, now that my band's from Cleveland, they're all assholes! I hate to generalize, but everyone I've met from there's an asshole.

JP: But what about Pere Ubu?

RP: Assholes.

(conversation quickly becomes a bunch of drunk guys arguing)

RP: ...inconsiderate assholes! But really, I pull for (the Indians).

CM: You gotta pull for Matt Williams...

RP: Oh yeah. All except for Mesa, he's an asshole.

(someone brings up Columbus, Ohio)

Columbus is good.

CM: Do you like where you live?

RP: Dayton is a good place. Cincinnati and Cleveland are assholes.

JP: What do you think about Detroit?

CM: Rock City.

RP: It rocks. I got nothing bad to to say about Detroit. We played one show there and they rocked.

JP: What does Dayton have? It's easy to attack from three-and-a-half hours away in the middle of nowhere. Other than the Paxton brothers and Ron Harper, who couldn't even dribble a basketball cuz he was so fuckin' high, it has absolutely zilch.

CM: They have a postal service that knows when a package of heroin is being shipped in. They can see it and know that it's heroin.

JP: Check this out: In Cleveland, I am a Cleveland Indians fan. In Dayton, a Cincinnati Reds fan.

RP: Name some inventions from Cleveland.

JP: We don't need any inventions in Cleveland. You wanna know why?...

RP: (RP rattles off some fine Dayton-born inventions) The airplane! How 'bout the airplane?!

JP: Hey, we don't need any inventions, cuz we got our serfs working for us 3-1/2 hours down Southwest.

CM: Yeah, but who invented the drier-sheet?...that's what I wanna know!

RP: I think Cleveland invented the lint-trap. All the true geniuses come from Dayton. Orville Wright. Martin Sheen, motherfucker! Jonathan Winters.

JP: I'll take Afro-Sheen! Afro-Sheen was created in Cleveland. I'll tell you the Cleveland superstars: Bob Hope. Paul Newman. He even invented his salad dressing while he was in Cleveland. Joe Esterhazs. He lived in Cleveland and worked at the newspaper I work at. He got fired for making up quotes, and making up people in his stories. And hey, he created "Shaft." He worte those "Shaft" books.

CM: Well you know, that Shaft is one baad mutha--

RP: ...The Ohio Players are from Dayton.

CM: Okay, forget it, you win.

JP: The Ohio Players are better than Devo, Pere Ubu, Dead Boys-

RP: Devo's from Akron.

JP: No no no, two guys are from Cleveland, and three guys are from Akron, and they did most of their gigs in Cleveland.

CM: Ohio Players were the best though.

RP: We got some good bands.

CM: Okay, who had the best afro in rock?

JP: Rob Tyner. Afros and MC5 go hand in hand.

CM: I was gonna say Sugar Bonner from the Ohio Players, but„

RP: I gotta admit I copped some of my moves from Rob Tyner.

JP: You didn't cop 'em from some asshole in Dayton. You didn't cop 'em off the Wright brothers. (yuks all around) Hey, Nine Inch Nails! Nine Inch Nails!...Marilyn Manson, from Canton Ohio.

RP: Football!

CM: That's why football sucks!

(in the background: "Fuck You!")

JP: Hey, Tom Cousineau„

RP: (looks around) Where?

JP: Rob Lowe.

RP: I gotta admit that I love Cleveland. But in the modern years, in the new days, we got the Breeders and Guided by Voices, and Brainiac, from Dayton Ohio.

CM: Tim Taylor was the best frontman in rock.

RP: They had the best look in rock. They were incredible. I must admit, I wasn't a huge Brainiac fan. Their music was too bombastic for me. But they looked like the fucking Rolling Stones, or something.

JP: And they ripped off Devo, from Cleveland.

RP: They didn't come close to Devo. Devo was the shit. The greatest band of all time, and Brainiac wasnÍt even close to Devo.

CM: Yeah, but Taylor...he was like half-Judy Garland, half-Alan Vega, from Suicide.

RP: Tim Taylor was the Face, he was The Face.

CM: He was incredible.

----------------------------------------------------

RP: Hey, can I say this for your magazine: Fuck baseball, and fuck punk rock!

CM: ...that's cute Robert. Fuck obviousness, and fuck cliches.

RP: Naw, I love baseball, and I love punk rock--

JP: --The worst thing in baseball is the quotes after the game.

CM: "We're just takin' 'em one game at a time."

JP: And we wanna do our best...and hopefully we'll get some pitching, defense, and hitting next time around.

RP: Here's my favorite one: "I can sum it up in one word--we never gave up."

CM: What makes baseball better than all the other lame-ass sports--no clock.

RP: I think football would be better if it was flag football.

CM: It'd be interesting at least.

JP: You know what I like about football? I like Greg Pruitt, in those tear-away jerseys. I loved tear-away jerseys.

MS: The one thing funny to me about why baseball didn't hook you the way that football still hooks you is that there's that lacking element of drama--

RP: Yeah, there was not enough drama in baseball. I mean football has the drama, man. Especially high school football.

CM: Ohhh, you gotta be kidding me!

MS: Well you said (Robert) when you blow big games in football you wanna kill yourself--

RP: Well here's the important difference between baseball, basketball, and football: In football and basketball, if you blow a big game, you just wanna kill yourself. Your coach makes you feel like shit. But in baseball, you just..."yeah well, we got a bunch of games..."

CM: Yeah, but in baseball it's just as bad. You got Bill Buckner, Donnie Moore--hell, he actually did kill himself.

RP: When I was growing up, baseball just had that carnival atmosphere that I just loved. I just loved it. And I'm sure it still does...but like I said, I'm bitter a little bit. I felt I was as good as anybody that's pitching today...except for like, Randy Johnson (laughs). He could throw some fuckin' heat! That motherfucker's like clockin' 100--

CM: But then look what happened to him in the playoffs.

RP: That's what you gotta call the article: "Rising Fastball As Myth."

MS: Or: "Still Throwing Knuckleballs At The Rock World."

RP: No..."I'm Throwing Knuckleballs At The Rock World...No...Rising Fastballs At The Rock World."

CM: "...Which Of Course, George Will Says, Is A Myth."

RP: George Will says the rising fastball is a myth? That it really doesn't rise?...bullshit. I used to throw a...me me me, again--I used to throw it at the plate, and it would rise right into the strike zone.

CM: You took that personally, didn't you?

RP: Well yeah, cuz you said "Me me me..." (yuks all 'round) 'ya fucker, I was a pitcher, now...(everyone laughing)

JP: Were you a quarterback?

RP: I was a quarterback too. I was also a point guard that averaged twenty points a game!

CM: Yeah, it's all me me me nowadays...

RP: It's all me me me, man. I was the king--I am the king. Me me me.

CM: Okay, so here's the bag: You got the pitcher as the singer.

RP: You got the relief pitcher as the guitar player. Cuz he picks up the save. Okay, the catcher is the drummer? I'll give the drummer catcher.

CM: Okay, bass player as first baseman?

RP: Yeah. ("yeahs" all around)

CM: Kind of the "conduit"-- (much laughs) the "being and becoming"--the half-way between the infield and the outfield.

RP: Then who's the shortstop? Lead guitar player?

CM: Lead guitar. Or even the center-fielder, depending on how much he wanks off. Is it a Lofton, or an Ordonez? It depends on what kind of team you're talking about.

MS: But then you got all these other positions.

CM: Okay, so little league right-fielder, punk rock bass player.

RP: Cuz the right fielder is the one you try to hide. Okay, I'll go with that.

CM: I've talked to others who say the catcher is the bass player.

RP: Catcher as the bass player? Naw, the catcher is the fuckin' drummer. Definitely. There's no question at all.

CM: He's calling the pitches...

RP: He's stuck back in the back...he's sitting--he's squatting...he's a dumb-ass tobacco-chewing, workhorse of a man...

CM: So what's a third-baseman?

JP: Sound guy! (big yuks from all)

RP: Third-baseman is a merch guy.

CM: That's the hot corner.

(interview dwindles to discussion of pre and post-gig penile size and position and Pollard going through the wide array of pitcher baseball card poses)

WSU has one alumni currently playing in the bigs; The plucky Cleveland Indians upstart Brian Anderson. Recently drafted by the expansion Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Associate head baseball coach Bo Bilinski is also a detective with the Dayton Police Department.

Their handle is "The Raiders."

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