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The Lost Art of Teenage Bedroom Decoration originally
published in TOAST magazine, 1999
Do you recall your first forays into the wondrous world of teenage bedroom
decoration? Did you run home from the Peter Frampton (or New Kids On The
Block, or Fabian, or Salt n' Pepa, or...) concert, poster in hand, dreaming
of where you'd place it and what other items you would then need to round
out the ensemble? With pain-staking mathematical research, I have crossed
the I's and dotted the T's on the precise formula for correct and future-embarrassment-free
teenage room aestheticism. Fun for the whole family. A money-back guarantee.
First off, the keys to successful youth-sanctuary design involves a troika
of spontaneity, creativity and an adherence to a distinctive style, clear
in its intention. Since the average teen has an overwhelming amount of unsolicited
input from such a wide array of possible mediae (hey! I made up a word),
it is only surmisable that any subcultural virus could creep through the
vents, attacking with Duran Duran-like precision to the very soul of porous,
impressionable minds. On one wall, a Backstreet Boys poster; on the shelf,
a formed set of Hot Wheels on parade. Under the bed, a loaded glock. Compared
to the finely-honed culture filters employed by adults which weed out the
sillier trends, this is pretty normal. Can I honestly say I would fall for
that whole Adam & The Ants thing at my age if it were to happen all over
again? Well who's to say the Spice Girls ain't just that?
An important aspect is the ability to realize that although you can see
that Mom and Dad understand that your interests run at odds with theirs,
you're somewhat shamed that your pedestrian lack of defense against the marketing
skills of those paid dearly to do so actually meant something to you. How
can one honestly expect their elders to understand the kitschy simplicity
and deep personal weltschmerz of The Cure? Claims one embattled ex-teen so
conflicted with the trappings of her parents' realms of influence: "I knew
my parents wouldn't approve of such bubblegum sentiments, so I applied my
John Taylor (Duran Duran bassist) poster to the inside of the walk-in closet,
the same way a little boy would stash a batch of Playboys under the bed.
I felt almost dirty."
Yet here I am fifteen years later defending the whole Adam/Ants "Kings
Of The Wild Frontier" album as a supremely-fashioned milestone of pop mastery.
The songs each had a personality. This was style via music at its best. "Los
Rancheros" is a snappy pop gem with that Roy Rogers feel we loved so much.
"The Human Beings", an endless mantra of Native American tribe names. Pure
genius. But looking back, what the hell was he?...a cowboy, an indian, I
can't tell. Ahh, youthful exuberance.
But I digress... I say that while it's certain most folks would state
that the personal touch (read: gullible mistakes you'll regret in family
albums years later) of adolescent decoration is a necessary pitfall of growing
up, I think there are definite traps to avoid to make your pre-college years
painful memory-free.
"So Mr. Smarty-Pants, how would you decorate a teenage room...since you
know so much." Glad you asked. Since the unlimited span of youth-targeted
influences creates a myriad of choices for decor; one must use the patented
ratio of "wall:knick-knack:toy", as culled from Gregor Mendel's ratio describing
the theory of natural selection (that was him, wasn't it?). Herein, the most
prominent preoccupations of the teen should take almost 2/3 precedence over
the area, creating the prevailing mood and establishing a noticeable primary
focus. This way, when one teen describes said room to friends or whomever,
they can easily say: "Oh, Joshua's going through a WWF phase.
Scientifically, an example of how this can be achieved would be to utilize
a 22" x 35" "Stone Cold" Steve Austin poster, two 8"-or larger figurines
(Undertaker and Bret "The Hitman" Hart work well, but others will suffice),
and perhaps a couple of programs or some other small paper-based media strewn
about the room for good measure. It should noted that if the boy is an uncharacteristically
tidy lad, a third figurine will substitute nicely for paper-clutter, but
only if placed apart from the other dolls. The remaining wall space (Using
the formula of a four-walled suburban bedroom; with one wall-side dominated
by a window (covered by shades or curtains), one area containing a dresser
and/or covered by a long bed (occasionally we see short beds and dressers
taking one wall area, but not as often), and one side involving the door/entrance
to the room, buttressed by auxiliary wall space which may be used for extraneous
media.
Importantly, the remaining wall controls the unifying identity of the
room, so that is where the primary images should be maintained. In the case
involving the above "WWF" theme, it is not uncommon to unify said theme with
non-wrestling media ranging from comic-book heroes like Wolverine or the
X-Men (some choose the Swamp Thing direction, that works fine, and shows
a corollary interest in fantasy worlds), to the rock arena; namely Danzig,
Misfits, or Marilyn Manson. Fine choices all. Remember that this is youth,
so it's the kid's last chance to get away with the enjoyment of totally pedestrian
schlock interests.
It is implied that the band KISS set this "poster/figurine/knick-knack"
standard in the late-'70s. Their commercialization was unparalleled at the
time. It is a known fact that across America children often employed the
whole slate of KISS memorabilia as room identity. From the dolls, to the
many different posters (mylar and otherwise), to albums (covering the bases
of the "knick-knack" ratio-integer), KISS knew how to monitor all aspects
of pubescent disposable income. Often the use of KISS as a model was vilified
in the media as a negative influence on a youth's upbringing. I would contend
that they were quite the opposite. Whilst a kid could wallow in the aforementioned
"WWF/Marvel Comics/Misfits" realm and never develop strong ties with the
realities of growing up in the U.S., an affection for KISS could easily guide
a child toward the use of Peter, Paul, Gene, and Ace as mentors for cheesy,
manipulative American business sense. Sounds feasible to me. Would you rather
have your kid following the teachings of some slow-witted midget living in
his mother's basement (Danzig), or a quartet of successful Jewish businessmen
who just happen to wear Kabuki makeup?
On the girly side of the hallway, decoration can run a larger palette
of tastes and ingredients. Where a young girl would be lauded as "cool" and
"hep" for tossing in a Kozik art poster among a wall of Barbies and a My
Little Pony clock radio, any boy with the same decor would be in counseling
the next day for close examination of all elements in the boy's oeuvre. In
fact, I remember sending my 11-year old niece a nice rock-art litho commemorating
an Alanis Morissette concert. It was all psychedelic, so I let that be the
focus rather than the egregious subject matter. I then remembered that this
was going up in tandem with sundry Spice Girl items, since-retired Disney-amination
movie toys and stuffed animals, and my stolen copy of the Didjits "Knocked
Up" video compilation. Seems perfect to me. So the moral here: Only have
female children.
In the end, you must realize that any decisions made will fall under the
intense scrutiny of your friends, siblings and offspring. Not to worry. Just
keep in mind that when your daughter pins you with the evidence by saying:
"That WAS a Leif Garrett poster I saw in that picture in grandma's hallway,
wasn't it Dad?" Just be prepared to riposte: "Uhh, no...it was Farrah Fawcett."
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